The Wordless ‘Knowledge’ That We Live By
One of the ways I have gone after healing in the last six months is to process my experiences, thoughts and beliefs with a professional. It’s a cost, but one that is listed in the “assets” column rather than under “expenses.”
In this process, I was asked a question:
Do you believe you have value?
My ready-made answer was ‘yes’ and yet the direct question left me wondering if the ready answer was the right one.
What about you? What would you have answered at first? And upon reflection?
The truth is, I did think I had value. But the deeper truth was that that was just a thought, a well-programmed answer living in my head...
It’s funny how what you think and what you really believe can be so different.
Because the words in my head said, “I am valuable,” but below the realm of words was a deeper ‘knowing’—a wordless ‘knowledge’ of my worthlessness. It showed up in the decisions I made, in my order of priorities, in my consideration of what I needed. It showed up in my frustration with anything less than superhuman production levels, with my need to present a more presentable person to others than my own authentically imperfect self. It showed up most of all in the way I gave myself to others, with love and passion, but with no restraint. I had no qualms about emptying my life for the sake of others. More than that, I thought that that was what God wanted me to do. In playing saviour, I exploited my soul. In opening up my wellspring of life without restriction, I left it unprotected and finally spoiled.
In the realm of words and logic, I knew that this was silly; that the best and only gift I had to give the world was myself. But in the realm of the heart, where knowing seeps into places where words cannot reach, there was this idea of worthlessness that could only be addressed when it was brought up to the surface and named.
The thoughtfulness that wisdom requires is a thoughtfulness that is humble enough to be open to new truth. We’re living, breathing beings, but too often we’re living in the preprogrammed world of robots, thinking what we’ve always thought and doing what we’ve always done.
So, let’s stop and think.
Beloved reader, do you believe you have value? Do you know what constitutes the wellspring of your life? Do you treasure it? Fences surround things that are precious. The more value we ascribe, the more protection we provide.
Consider the heart for a moment. The Bible sees the heart as the epicentre of human existence. It is the dwelling place of God within us, and it is called the “wellspring of life.”
My son, be attentive to my words;
incline your ear to my sayings.
Let them not escape from your sight;
keep them within your heart.
For they are life to those who find them,
and healing to all their flesh.
Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.
—Proverbs 4:20-23 ESV
With vigilance, friends; with diligence. In the realm of words we know that this is true. I am committed to reprogramming the wordless knowledge within me by the gentle but relentless erecting of fences around this spring. Yes, we are called to share our lives with others. But guard the epicentre—where His Spirit intersects with our soul—and keep the wellspring of life flowing fast and fresh. We do this for our good and we do it for the sake of the world.